Alone.

Call me corny but I really think my heart hurts. This summer I lost all of my closest friends, not because of my intolerable personality, or because of my lack of caring for them, or for any other good reason for that fact. I lost them because I got publicly humiliated and “hazed” for a very minuscule reason. Maybe I’m being dramatic but what happened that night scarred me. I’ve not only been in pain since then but have never needed these so called “friends”more than I’ve needed them now. Some of them are to blame for what happened, and some helped to defend me for a brief amount of time. Time passed. Now everything’s conveniently a thing of the past. Its now October and I’ve been extremely lonely since then. Where are my friends? I need you now more than ever. I’ve tried to communicate this to a few people, but seemingly no one could be bothered with my pain. I don’t have enough extremities on my body to count everything I’ve done for them, and its not about comparing that fact either (I’ve done so much for you, you should rub my feet in return! No.). It’s about how much I’ve cared and how little I still mean to all of them. That’s what hurts me the most. I didn’t turn on anyone, I didn’t wrong anyone, nor did I attack anyones character. But for simply being me I got shut out. I’m stuck in this daily what feels like a scripted television show of a life. When I should be out there enjoying myself and soaking up even the slightest amount of joy that my days have to offer me. But this loneliness has consumed me. How can I be myself again when I lost everything that defined me? I miss these people I once cared about because of the relationships that enticed my thoughts. Knowing that after a long day of work I could release my tensions with a couple laughs and mindless adventuring was truly the only thing that got me through it. And I constantly made sure everyone knew what they meant to me. Now I find myself laughing by myself and mindlessly adventuring by myself. Alone. I feel as though the light left my eyes and am blind to any opportunities presented to me now socially, professionally, and emotionally. Did I waste all of this time caring about these people for nothing? I don’t even have a best friend anymore. Knowing that I did nothing but be myself to earn this loneliness is what really hurts the most. I’m not looking for sympathy or attention but rather confirmation that I’m not crazy? I need people in my life now more than ever but everyone that I’ve showed so much love to has disappeared, leaving me with an emptiness only relationships can fill. You may see me smiling, but please always know. I am hurting now, more than ever before.